Covent Garden London
The heart of London's West End
Salmagundi Gardeners Cricketers' Almanac
What awaits the cricketers of Covent Garden in the coming season? Astrological charts have been pored over - and copied down as fielding positions; a chicken has been slaughtered and its contents examined. Salmagundi's Mystic Mark rubs a crystal ball against the front of his trousers and looks deep.
APRIL
The colour red and the material leather will have significance. After numerous emails and a block booking of nets with bowling machine and professional coach, Skipper Erik Samuelson will be the lone figure at pre-season training, while, simultaneously, six other players will meet in The Crown to bemoan the lack of commitment. The Natural History Museum will be called in to name a fungus found growing in the kit bag.
MAY
The first game of the season will be won easily - despite Mike Fox being involved in a run out - as Big Phil Sessions will smite 88 off 22 balls.
Jim Monahan will arrive late from the May Fayre, having been savaged by a hyacinth. Something, involving either a win, loss, draw or postponement, will happen in proximity to grass.
JUNE
James Tait, frantically padding up during a batting collapse, might buckle his pads into his sandals, and be stabbed in the buttock by a scoring pencil. Mike Fox will be involved in a run out.
JULY
Joe Fox will score 63no and take 4-17 off 14 overs - at the league club for whom he left Salmagundi. Louis Monahan, although seven years his junior, will be rudely pushed into the role of Son Who Is Required To Win The Game. Ulric Algar will hear his name pronounced correctly. In the opposition scorebook Seorais Graham will see the 197th spelling of his name. Mike Fox will be involved in a run out. The finger of a man in a white coat points the way.
AUGUST
In the Salmagundi scorebook Seorais Graham will see his surname misspelled. Chris Packham will roll a cigarette and comment ironically upon the ten-year-old hole in the knee of Mark Gilkes's whites. He may well afterwards smoke his cigarette with a satisfied air. Mike Fox will be involved in a run out.
James Tait will produce a tea of quail's eggs and truffles - no sandwiches, just quail's eggs and truffles. Unlucky tree: willow.
SEPTEMBER
Big Phil Sessions will complete an unprecedented season of playing in every game - with the aggregate score of 88. Adam Wood will be the only Salmagundi in ten years of touring to accept the invitation to sail Lyme bay.
His later claim to have seen a porpoise will cause less offence once it's established James Tait's morning swim was three hours earlier. Mike Fox will be arrested for a firearm offence as he seeks to persuade the non-striking batsman not to call him through on a sharp single.
OCTOBER
Abdul Aziz Cricket Club will try to persuade Salmagundi to play an extra fixture in the badlands south of Croydon.
NOVEMBER
Abdul Aziz will call to see if we're interested in squeezing in a last game in between the footballers on Hackney Marsh.
DECEMBER
Abdul Aziz will suggest a game on the iced-over Serpentine.
If Salmagundi is to survive the coming season, it's desperately important that all (or none) of these predictions come true. Even if you are interested only in helping eat the quail's eggs and truffles, call the Salmagundi Soothsayer: 020 7836 9797
Mark Gilkes
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